Change Them in Three Easy Steps

Lately at Breathes Wellness, we’ve noticed a recurring theme with many of our clients—smart, capable, self-aware people feeling exhausted by trying to manage their partner’s behavior.

They’re not trying to be controlling; most come from a genuine desire for harmony, deeper connection, or shared growth. But underneath the frustration lies an invisible checklist:

• If only they’d open up more…

• If only they would help out without being asked…

• If only they communicated like I do…

• If only they’d read the book/listen to the podcast/do the work…

Sound familiar?

This gentle (or not-so-gentle) push to change our partner can feel like love—but often, it’s rooted in fear, unmet needs, or a deep longing to feel safe. The truth is: you can’t tame, fix, or upgrade someone who hasn’t chosen it for themselves.

So, what can you do when your nervous system is screaming “do something!” and you’re tempted to micromanage the relationship?

Let’s explore three real steps:

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Step 1: Regulate Yourself First

Before pointing outward, pause inward.

Are you emotionally resourced? Have you slept, breathed, journaled, or moved your body today?

Trying to change someone from a disregulated state almost always leads to control, blame, or shutdown.

At Breathes Wellness, we teach nervous system awareness as the foundation of relationship clarity. Co-regulation is beautiful—but it starts with self-regulation.

When you’re calm, your perspective shifts. Sometimes, what felt urgent loses its sting.

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Step 2: Shift from Critique to Curiosity

Instead of “Why won’t they…?”, try “What is this bringing up in me?”

Often our partner triggers something tender—a past wound, a core belief, a longing we haven’t voiced.

This isn’t about excusing poor behavior. It’s about owning our lens.

What stories are running underneath the discomfort?

Am I expecting them to meet all my emotional needs?

Am I needing external certainty to soothe inner chaos?

Curiosity invites connection—both with yourself and your partner. Critique, on the other hand, shuts doors.

Note: This isn’t always easy—especially when you’re feeling dismissed, ignored, or like you’re carrying more than your fair share. But in most of our coaching conversations, the desire for change in a partner often reveals a deeper dynamic:

They want them to be their voice.

To initiate the hard conversations.

To call out the unfairness.

To notice their unmet needs without having to spell them out.

To say the boundary they are too afraid to name.

It’s not about weakness.

It’s about fear—often rooted in childhood or past relationships, where speaking up led to conflict, rejection, or emotional abandonment.

So instead of saying, “This isn’t working for me,” many people wait for their partner to magically get it. When they don’t, resentment builds. Criticism replaces communication. Distance grows.

But what if the real work isn’t getting them to speak—but learning to reclaim your own voice?

Start with gentle inquiry:

• What am I afraid will happen if I speak up?

• Where did I learn that my truth is too much?

• Am I hoping he’ll rescue me from the discomfort of self-expression?

Critique keeps the focus on their flaws.

Curiosity brings it back to your growth.

And from that grounded, regulated place (see Step 1), it becomes safer to voice what you need—clearly, kindly, and without apology.

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Step 3: Choose Between Doing or Surrendering

Here’s the fork in the road. If something matters deeply to you—do it.

Book the holiday. Start the morning ritual. Sign up for therapy. Voice your concern to their sister, brother, mother, father, daughter, son.

If you’re waiting for him to initiate, ask why you’re handing over the reins to your own joy (and would they actually say everything you would anyway?)

Alternatively, surrender.

Not in weakness, but in wisdom.

Surrender is not giving up—it’s giving over the illusion of control.

It’s trusting that your needs are valid, but also recognising where your power ends and theirs begins.

You don’t have to shrink, silence or suppress. But you also don’t have to force, fix or convince.

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Final Word:

You don’t need to tame your partner. You need to trust your inner compass.

If something feels off, listen.

If your needs are unmet, voice them with clarity—not control.

And if change is needed, let it begin with you—not to become more palatable, but to become more powerful.

At Breathes Wellness, we believe in relationships that are co-created, not coerced. And that starts with reclaiming your emotional energy and nervous system sovereignty.

Reflection Prompt

Take a quiet moment to journal or reflect on the following:

• Where in your relationship are you trying to manage or control instead of expressing?

• What am I asking him to do that I’m afraid to do myself?

• If I trusted my voice more fully, what would I say?

• What would it look like to release control without abandoning myself?

Remember: the goal isn’t to fix, but to see—with compassion, curiosity, and courage.